Well we had a good run ... 10.17.2020

Well, we had a good run.

On October 10th, I was officially diagnosed with COVID-19. And angry isn’t a strong enough word for how I am feeling, but it’s what I have. I am angry because I have been so overwhelmingly careful, not only for me, but for my loved ones and my patients. Slowly allowing people into our bubble and trusting life a little more each day has been hard, but something we have all be trying to do. I have questioned every atypical ache and sniffle for months, convincing myself I was joining the positive statistics in all of those moments. I isolated from family and friends, got tested as needed, decontaminated myself when I came home from work, and carried hand sanitizer and a thermometer like they were a lifeline. To be fair, I, like many others, have had moments where I realized I could have done better keeping my distance, or didn’t wash my hands fast enough. Although; none of that changes the fact that I am mad, because no matter how careful you are, it can absolutely still happen. And now the repercussions feel enormous because I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a healthcare worker, a friend, a coworker, and so on.

This disease is a terrorist. It shows up under the radar when and where it chooses, disguises itself as a friendly interaction and attacks without its victim knowing, until it’s too late to protect yourself, or those you’re with. And the fact that our leadership has continually downplayed this pandemic is what I blame. Because if 100% of our country did their part, we wouldn’t still be in this cycle. We would all be feeling significantly safer and healthier, both physically and mentally, right now, and I wouldn’t feel the need to put my thoughts to writing to relieve the massive amount of stress and heaviness I feel after getting that phone call.

If, by some miracle, we had all acknowledged the gray area, that while not bad for all, COVID-19 can have significant implications for our friends and neighbors, and it was in our power to keep them safe, by staying home when sick, wearing a mask, washing your hands, and complete prompt contact tracing. Simple steps to allow the whole to remain safe and healthy. Well, then healthcare workers like myself wouldn’t be at their stress limit on a daily basis. Burnt out. Irritable. Exhausted. Easily succumbing to illness. But no, instead, we have been forced to prioritize. Wealth over health. Financial stability to meet basic needs over safety precautions to prevent debilitating illness. That has become the American way. Me before you because I matter more. Me not wearing a mask is no one’s business but mine and if I am sick I hold no responsibility to anyone but myself. That is where we are, and now I have nothing but time to sit here and try to find some peace.

Although, we can’t forget that there is another side to this issue, and that is the coverage and inescapable flow of endless information regarding COVID-19 over the past several months, which for me personally, is producing a level of anxiety that I am not sure I have ever felt. The unknown is scary, knowing the widespread impact of my asymptomatic period could be either massive or minuscule but either way is out of my control, and my only solace is that I know without a doubt that I did everything right to protect my patients while unknowingly walking among them with this virus. However, being told for months that contracting this virus could mean the end of my life or the lives of my parents or patients, and seeing people daily still fighting it’s effects months later is certainly not helpful towards recovery or lessening feelings that I could have prevented it all some how. Which is a feeling I have feared for months. I recall talking with coworkers about how frightened I was to carry the guilt of the impact my positive test would have on those around me because of the nature of my job. I’m sure it’s a feeling that thousands of healthcare workers and family members have had to come to terms with; and now it’s my turn.

I choose to believe that this is something I will overcome, and that because I work for a place that requires constant protective equipment, my patients will also be okay, since my mask hopefully protected them. I choose to believe that COVID-19 doesn’t know who it’s messing with this time and that statistically it is likely that I will come through okay in a few days or weeks with no long term symptoms, but I am still frightened. My medical history is complex, I don’t need to remind you all of that, which is why we have worked so hard to keep this disease out of our home.

I know some will have questions about my experience with COVID so I’m going to outline it a bit for you. One thing I can say for sure is that for me, it came on fast and furious. I was my normal self, constantly congested, tired and hoarse at the end of a day and typical cervical headache, surviving oral cancer does all of that. And within hours, things became very different. I took my usual allergy and pain relieving medicines in the morning, allowing some reprieve, but soon my chest became heavy and tight, a heaviness that didn’t feel normal just from walking down the hallway. I began with some shortness of breath on my way out to the car, bad enough that I sat to catch my breath and calm my racing heartbeat before dialing the hotline. By the time I was in the office waiting for my test two hours later, I had a fever, a dark colored productive cough, a burning headache behind my eye (a very different kind from my normal), heaviness in my chest and sharp pain with every breath. That fast.

Thankfully, because I have a history of pneumonia, they did a thorough exam to make sure I was pneumonia free, swabbed my nose and sent me home with orders for round the clock mucinex, humidifier, lots of rest and fluids. If my fever climbed, symptoms worsened or my test was positive, the plan would change. My test came back positive on Saturday and they started me on steroids, and recommended supplements such as vitamin C, D, and zinc and scheduled a telehealth visit with my PCP who ordered a chest X-ray and some bloodwork to be thorough. The next few days were much the same minus the fever, and thankfully with everything lessening to general fatigue and a chronic cough, shortness of breath with activity that shouldn’t cause it, along with some mild GI symptoms, back pain and loss of my taste and smell.

My two week quarantine being nearly finished, I’m very hopeful I am through the worst of it. My taste and smell are returning, my cough is still running the show, and the fatigue and shortness of breath isn’t happening quite as fast. Although none of that changes the fact that the balls are all still rolling downhill, and other people are still impacted by my positive test. To be honest, the stress I feel is the most significant symptom. And that is not me. And I don’t know yet how to move past it or let it subside, aside from letting time pass. I feel mad, and then responsible, and then beat myself up for feeling guilty and go back to mad. Thank God for the most amazing husband on the planet keeping me grounded and calm in my “red-headed” moments.

So, I beg you all. Be careful, wear your mask, stay home when your sick, wash your hands, and get your flu shots! So that exhausted, overwhelmed and recovering healthcare workers like me don’t have to keep reliving this cycle. And so patients like me don’t have to struggle with self blame and fear on top of everything else Covid-19 gifts us with.